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[building allazar] getting my head right…

I am building a life of a writer.  It that takes grit, determination, dedication, and a life that is less cluttered than mine is right now, at least mentally and emotionally.

I have made great strides in clearing my life of the triggers that set off fear bombs and anxiety in my life, but that wasn’t enough to prevent angina earlier this year. And if I don’t want that to grow up into a healthy and strong heart attack (which I am a ripe candidate for), then I have to get to makes a few seriously significant changes in my life and how I live it (again).

I made a(nother) plan- well, it wasn’t a plan so much that it was a list of the three major areas of my life:

– My inner Life: emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

– My outer Life: My physical health and my relationships.

– My professional Life: what I do to make the resources I need to lead a full well round life.

That didn’t take long. What did was then figuring out the things that were the highest priority in each category:

– My inner Life: my continued relationship with the Lord and my community, clearing the toxic relationships, clearing the specific triggers that bring me to tears, and finding ways to have consistent, if not constant, peace. (If you are wondering if I mean you, then I am NOT talking about you. The folks I am talking about I have explicitly told that I will no longer be around them to directly and under no uncertain terms.)

– My outer Life: getting back into near athletic shape, maybe losing that 60 pounds my doctor keeps fussing at me about (I rather be healthy than skinny), finding a community where I feel safe and nurtured, without fear that it will be poisoned (and the ability to quickly and effectively recover in case that it is…)

– My professional Life: Build and maintain my writing career, which is viable and what I want to do for the rest of my natural life (and afterlife as well, if that is viable)

While that was difficult, the hardest is yet to come. Figuring out and coming to terms with what I have to sacrifice to accomplish these things were enough set off triggers, and fear flooded my mind, to the point that I had a hardcore drinking session. I haven’t drank since then, but still it was rough.

The thought of sacrifice after growing up poor and working so very hard to have a “proper middle class life” was offensive to me and my ego-

why do I have to give up anything!?

I have worked entirely too hard not to have anything and everything that I want…

Oh, my dear, healthy ego… you’re going to put in an early grave if I don’t have the courage to put you there first.

But even good endeavor requires sacrifice. I will be talking about that in later articles, as well as what I am eating, where I am worshiping during my sabbatical (healing requires time away) and the skills I am learning on the way to building Allazar.

talk to you soon…

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