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[writing life] In the Meantime

The last two months have been a hard. I mean really hard. Diamond hard. And it has been the hardest kind of hard.

The hard that comes from good things changing your life. The marriage of your child. The 18th birthday of your child. Your child’s graduation. Your husband’s promotion. The establishment of your business and the elimination of all distractions from it. All these things are good. All of these things change your life and change the way you have to look at life.  And all require a time of adjustment to find the new normal.

All of these things have happened since Easter. And I haven’t had a moment to get my head above water. To adjust to a life where I’m no longer responsible for children and instead developing relationships with grown women. One where I let them make their own mistakes and watch as they make good and bad decisions. Watching as my youngest daughter learns the hard way that cycling 10 miles is hard, and the Texas heat doesn’t help. The joy of seeing her figure that out and get a job closer to home.

Watching your husband get the position that he has worked for for years… and still have to do the old job as well until they find someone. Listening as he regales you with tales of politics and numbskullery, and rubbing his shoulders as he turns in early to go to sleep.

And now to my writing. I asked the Lord to guide me to what I would be doing in my dotage.  As I started looking at the things I would do, the desire, the need to reboot Allazar (which I have been flirting with, but have not committed to) started to grow in me to the point that I could no longer ignore it and frankly didn’t want to. It was apparent that this was not going to be a hobby, but a business. The way I would make my living for the rest of my life. And to have the thing that will feed my soul, I have watched as things that feed my ego have gone away one by one. The things that I used and I did to serve, but also to define what who I was.

I’m no longer a mother a children like I have been for the last 20 years. I am a mother of adult children. I have become a Christian. I have become an author and a business woman.

These are all good things, great things, actually and I want them in my life. I can see the results and rewards of sticking to the paths set before me and developing the skills.

What I didn’t count on was ‘in the meantime’. That time that it takes to be good again, to be right with the world and gain a new sense of normal. That time to define what ‘good again’, ‘right with the world’, and ‘normal’ is or let go of the notion of defining it at all and accept what this means and how this fits in my life.

and in the meantime I wait, work, and fulfill my promise to tell you more about Allazar.

 

Until then, May the Bright Light guide your path….

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